Resurrecting my long-forgotten blog is cathartic. I enjoy writing and find solace and satisfaction in getting thoughts out of my head and onto paper or screen, as the case may be in 2024. Writing used to be how I quietened my incessant internal monologue, organised my thoughts and made room for more important and constructive thoughts.
Writing takes time, and I started to tell myself I did not have any… time, that is. To be successful at writing, you need to be good at it, and I told myself I wasn’t. You need to have an audience for your writing to make an impact, and I told myself I didn’t. I began telling myself that it wasn’t important if it was just for me, and I shouldn’t carve out time for it.
Simply put, I let the idea of perfection become a roadblock to progress. It wasn’t a perfect blog, and I wasn’t a perfect person, so I just quietly walked away.
If I wasn’t the best, with adoring fans beating down my door, the media lining up to interview me, and brands printing my face on t-shirts, there was no point…right?
Walking a fine line between backing myself and telling the world, “I know what I’m doing“, while also believing any success of mine is undeserved, I’m often waiting for the world to realise I’m just making shit up and talking a big game. In my mind I see everything blowing up like a scene from the film Catch Me If You Can. Initially, the world would be angered by my trickery, but secretly, they would also admire my ability to play a role so well and for so long.
The Ultimate Pretender
In this case, it’s the role of a hobby blogger with something interesting to say.
2023 was tough, and I couldn’t shake it. I carried the pain and stress into 2024 and added more pain and stress to the mix. It felt like pieces of me were being chipped away by external forces, or at times, I was breaking off pieces myself and handing them out like Halloween candy. I felt less me. With work pressures, a fear of failure, and family commitments mounting, doing what I needed to in order to still be me felt incredibly selfish. I sunk into a routine of work and home, fortnightly trips to see my Dad and then looping back around to work again.
Rinse and repeat became easier than thinking about having a life, doing things and being me. This is me starting to change that. This is me starting simple by writing again.
Amongst the weirdness that is my new reality (more on that later), a friend told me he’d been diagnosed with ADHD . . . and followed that up with “I think you have ADHD too.” Yes, I’ve seen it all over TikTok. Yes, some of the traits resonated with me. Yes, I’ve joked about it. But I just always badged myself as living with Depression and Anxiety, and at times Restless Leg Syndrome. In my mind ADHD was something addressed when you were child, generally because you were a pest a school, distracting others and being a wee bit naughty.
Then I remembered The Restless Empire, my blog. My pick-up and put-down project, and how I came up with the name and more importantly how I felt the name was a reflection of me.
I brainstormed and used Name Generators, I threw all sorts of things in… things I loved, things I wanted to be, things I felt, things that described me. Restless made sense. Restless because boring tasks physically pain me. Restless because I want to do all of things but can’t pick a starting point. Restless because I felt bullied by my planner. Restless because my mind goes a mile a minute yet my body doesn’t move at the same speed. Restless because I get lost in my daydreams to easily.
Your average person would say “long story short” in my case this is “long story, convoluted even longer story… with several side quests”
I have ADHD. My thing is attention. Or lack of. I’m a several things on the go… none of them finished… bored and chuck it in type gal! Leaning into the Catch Me If You Can reference, many people were surprised at my diagnosis. For me though, the penny dropped, it made sense and the exhaustion of pretending was clear. That feeling of restlessness, that feeling of trying to jam a jack-in-the-box back in, was the result of making sure I was what society expected me to be.
Yes I am weird, but I needed to be a socially acceptable level of weird. Kooky. Not crazy. Funny Ha Ha, not funny peculiar.
There are three subtypes of ADHD:
- Inattentive
- hyperactive/impulsive
- Mixed.
Like an SPCA Special or a wondrous cocktail … I’m mixed! I’m not going to list all the symptoms I have, or highlight the all traits that are key to me. Like a fun game of Where’s Wally or those pick a path books from childhood, I’ll let you read and come to your own conclusions.
Inattentive-type symptoms
Inattentive-type symptoms can disrupt work or schoolwork and social relationships. Some symptoms include:
- Prone to making mistakes due to inattention.
- Trouble staying focused and on-task.
- Often seem like you’re not paying attention when others talk.
(you “zone out” or have that “thousand-yard” blank, unblinking stare). - Start projects easily but have trouble following through and completing them.
- Difficulty organizing and setting priorities.
(especially with projects or tasks that involve multiple steps, multiple parties and follow-up). - Intense avoidance of boring or tedious tasks, such as busy work, chores or paperwork.
- Often losing, misplacing or forgetting things.
- Easily distracted by what’s happening around you or even by your own thoughts and daydreaming.
- Forgetful or absent minded in regards to your daily routine.
(Forgetting appointments, forgetting to pay your bills, etc.)
Hyperactive/impulsive-type symptoms
Hyperactive/impulsive-type symptoms can again disrupt your relationships, work, schoolwork habits and more. Women are less likely to have these symptoms, but they’re definitely still possible. Some symptoms include:
- Fidgeting often.
- Frequently needing to stand up and walk around.
- Often feeling restless.
- Have trouble staying quiet, talking to yourself or say nonsensical phrases or sounds.
(sometimes, without thinking about or intending to). - Unusually active, and people have trouble keeping up with you.
- Talking excessively
(i.e. over-explaining yourself or “info-dumping”). - Conversational self-restraint issues.
(Frequently interrupt people or finish their sentences). - Trouble being patient and waiting your turn.
- Don’t always understand social boundaries
(Interrupting or intruding on others without realizing that some find this behavior rude).
The best part of being diagnosed with ADHD at 40 years old weirdly is the label. Years of saying to myself “I don’t want to label people” or “I don’t want to be labelled” flew out the window with a label I could put on myself. A label that explained things, validated things and also silenced that little voice that often said “dude are you fucking nuts“. This label not only pointed me towards tools for managing my ADHD, but also meant I was at peace with some of the symptoms.
While my life still feels like project or Work In Progress, I’m okay with that. Yes, there are times I feel a smidge purposeless or lost but I’m okay with that too.
