Have you ever sat one of those dreaded personality tests? You know, the kind where there’s no “right answer,” and everything seems like a trick designed to make you look like an asshole. Organisations use them to determine your approach to problem solving and working with others, and recruitment companies love them because it’s how they add value to the hiring process. Me? I don’t know what the preferred answer looks like.  

One test asked if I was a perfectionist. To anyone on the outside looking in, I don’t look like much of a perfectionist. I’m certainly not immaculately turned out. I’ve been known to have messy hair and chipped nail polish, and I don’t excel at everything I do. When I think of perfectionists, I think of a specific girl I went to high school with. Never crinkled or creased, never a hair out of place, new clothes every mufti day, perfectly tidy school books, bedroom and life.  I, on the other hand, was the opposite…

…or perhaps I am a perfectionist.

Later, in a second interview for the job, the interviewer asked, “Can you give me an example of when being a perfectionist is a negative thing or has negative effects?” Was he onto me? Confused, I initially struggled to answer the question. My interviewer prompted me, “Would striving for perfection halt your progress?“. Initially, I thought, no way, don’t be ridiculous… but then again

…perhaps I am a perfectionist.

ADHD often means a lack of focus, poor memory, disorganisation, and time blindness, which are ideas that fly in the face of perfectionism. Yet research shows it’s pretty damn common in adults with ADHD. At its core, perfectionism is setting unrealistic, and at times crippling, expectations for yourself, while having a tendency to get stuck comparing yourself to others. At times my expectations of myself are greater than what the situation requires, and then you throw into the mix the fear or anxiety I have around making mistakes, getting it wrong or needing to ask (again) what is required sometimes giving up before I’ve started seems easier and more sensible.  

One of the most anxiety inducing things of my childhood was always helping my Dad. There were so many instructions, mysterious base knowledge he thought I possessed (but didn’t) and the inevitable groan when I didn’t follow the instructions and he’d snatch something off me to show me again … or do it himself. But it was the exasperated breath and annoyance in his voice when I had questions or points to confirm that always stung the most. I was conflicted between meeting expectations and getting it right the first time, and understanding the requirements right off the bat. 

Getting it wrong felt like it attracted criticism and left people feeling disappointed. I can still vividly recall specific points growing up (and as an adult) where I made a mistake. I can still feel the same rush of nausea when I think back on these instances. 

Recognising ADHD Perfectionism

All-Or-Nothing Thinking:

It’s either perfect or a failure! Honestly I coat anything less than perfect in humour to detract from any failures or shortcoming, I laugh at myself before anyone else can, so all-or-nothing thinking is definitely something I’m guilty of. 

Perfectionists tend to set high goals, work hard towards them but tolerate nothing less than excellence or success. Or conversely its avoiding tasks and missing deadlines to avoid a final result that is less than perfect. While, high achievers, set high goals, work hard toward them but who are also satisfied with a job well done.

A perfectionists, however, will accept nothing less than… perfection. Almost perfect isn’t good enough.

It may not sound like much, but imagine never being 100% satisfied with goals met, work done or tasks accomplished.

Critical Eye:

It’s no secret, I’m super critical of myself and yes at times of others too. Perfectionists are known to be much more critical of themselves and of other people. While those pesky high achievers take pride not only in their accomplishments but they also tend to be more supportive of others.

Working in the marketing industry I’ve honed my skills and have worked hard to spot mistakes in copy, in advertising, in artwork and like most perfectionists I can spot minuscule mistakes and imperfections in not only my work but also in myself. 

I sometimes zero in on any imperfections and struggle to see anything else, I can feel overwhelmed with negative self -talk and criticism and get caught in a loop of comparing myself to others, or creating false narratives on what I believe others are thinking. 

Push vs Pull:

The high achievers I admired at school, university and now in my work life tend to be pulled toward their goals and are driven to achieve them through desire, they’re are happy with any steps made in the right direction. Perfectionists like myself tend to be pushed toward goals, spurred on through fear.

Minor setbacks and challenges can feel hugely discouraging, and combined with a fear of not reaching a goal, it can feel like avoiding rather than trying and failing is easier and less painful.

Unrealistic Standards:

Yup! A true sign of a perfectionist is unreasonable goals, goals that are bigger than Ben Hur and basically not measurable or achievable.

Once upon a time I decided I was quite literally going to be a completely different person with my Quest For Awesomeness… a clearly odd and unreasonable goal. I had no plan other than to be awesome… 

High achievers still set goals high, and may go beyond the goal once it’s reached, but a perfectionist will often set their initial goal so far out of reach that becoming disheartened by ‘failure’ is often almost inevitable.

Care of Bev Webb 2012

Depressed by Unmet Goals:

Apparently perfectionists are less happy than those easygoing high achievers (damn it), but in hindsight it makes sense. Constantly beating yourself up while also setting yourself for failure it a cruel form of self-bullying. 

Thinking about myself and … and comparing myself to high achievers I know, it’s a fair assessment. High achievers will bounce back fairly easily from disappointment or so-called ‘failure‘ whereas a perfectionist (like myself) will tend to beat themselves up , linger and wallow in negativity when those ridiculously high, self-imposed expectations go unmet.

I will quiet literally let one failure, hiccup, or bump in the road derail everything. We joke at home about my lack of patience, but it’s likely something driven more out of ADHD Perfectionism.

ADHD Perfectionism Can Lead To

Being so afraid of failing that you just stop trying, seems like a convoluted thought process right? Like a self fulfilling prophecy, fear of failing will ultimately hold you back, while others move forward.

Linked to placing so much value on the completion of goals, and seeing results, fear of failure is the physical manifestation of any potential disappointing that may come from unmet goals! 

Procrastination:

It seems ridiculous and ironic that a perfectionist could be paralysed by fear of failure AND procrastination but it’s true… perfectionism and procrastination do tend to go hand in hand.

Procrastination feels like the safety net or parachute employed by our friend Fear of Failure, in an attempt to avoid the disappointment that comes from unmet goals. As a perfectionist I will sometimes worry so much about doing something less than perfectly it acts as a brake and NOTHING gets done!! And the kicker … this then leads to more feelings of failure, guilt AND negativity creating a fun little vicious cycle.

Care of Bev Webb 2012

Low Self Esteem:

I’m highly self- critical, which in turn leads to feelings of unhappiness and low self-esteem.

When so much weight is placed on being a unrealistic level of perfection it’s easy to get sucked into worrying and stressing about those unrealistic and unreasonable goals set before you. I know I’ve done it to myself…. with dieting. With fitness. With new hobbies. With resolutions.

I’ve set goals so high that failure was inevitable and then I’ve become highly self-critical and become my own worst enemy and my very own bully. Equally I hold onto any criticism given by someone else, no matter how small, and make into more than it really is, leaving these teeny tiny criticisms circle almost constantly on loop inside my head.

Researching perfectionism, I found loneliness and isolation also often signify that you may be a perfectionist. Apparently a perfectionist critical nature and rigidity will often push others away, which not surprisingly can lead to lower self-esteem, and another vicious circle.

“Don’t Despair if this sounds a little like you at times…”

Recognising that you possess some these perfectionist traits is apart of that all important first step towards becoming that easygoing, content and successful person that lies ahead of overcoming perfectionism.

Quick Tips for Perfectionists:

• Take goal setting seriously, but don’t aim so high that a small hiccup or bump in the road will have you screaming ‘failure’ and quitting.
• Break one big massive goal into a series of smaller more manageable goals… once you’ve reached a goal then you can decided to step it up and take it further.
• Breaking goals into smaller chunks will make things easier to achieve, and thus make you the perfectionist happier.

For more about perfectionism and tips for moving past your perfectionist ways check out the below sites:

The Huffington Post- Four Ways to Move Past Perfectionism and Get Stuff Done
The Huffington Post – Confessions of Recovering Perfectionist
Tiny Buddha – The One Thing You Need to Know to Overcome Perfectionism
Mind Tools – Perfectionism; Overcoming All-or-Nothing Thinking